Sunday, December 5, 2010

birth control in word form

The following ramblings will only make sense to those of you who are parents.

Elleanor won't take a nap. And it drives me bat shit crazy because during the week, at daycare, she apparently takes 1 1/2 hour naps there every day. Now, when we first saw that on her sheet we were like, awesome! And then we said, hey wait a minute, she'll do that Monday - Friday but not on the weekends? And now we're concluding that they lie to us. hahaha... paranoid, right? But for real, she's been up since 6:30 am and it's now almost 4:30 pm and she's refusing to nap. But here's the kicker - she's Fin tired. She's crabby, won't play, wants to be held, is putting her head on my shoulder, chest, legs, wherevershecanrestit because she's tired. So.... what do I do? Hire the lady from her daycare to come to our house every saturday and sunday to put Elle to sleep? For real - how much would it cost? $50? Totally worth it. IMO
But here's the thing - it's driving me nuts. I can't decide if I should scream, cry, drink, run away, lock myself in the closet. I just can't take it. And then I get upset. I am such a horrible mother, I tell myself, because I can't deal with a non sleeping child. I keep telling Bryan that I don't think I can handle any more kids. Not that I don't want more - I want a whole army, but I don't want to be that mom that screams at her kids to SHUT UP or GO PLAY because they are on my last nerve, and as of right now, Elle's on my last nerve, and she's the only kid I got! Bonus points to me though - I haven't screamed at her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that.
Seriously - all you people who aren't pregnant yet - think long and hard about it. Establish a support group (family, friends, husband/wife) and make sure to use them on days like this.
Bryan has finals he's supposed to be studying for and I haven't really let him take the time he needs because I am THISCLOSE to a nervous breakdown.
And now, just a few minutes ago, Bryan walked out of Elle's room Elle free. She's sleeping. And now his day of studying begins, and I feel like a worse mother than I did before. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom - am I not capable of it? I couldn't live with myself if I made the choice to send my kids to daycare because I can't mentally deal with playing with them all day.