Bad Thoughts

Sometimes when I hear of women who are stay at home moms, or read blogs written by stay at home moms I often pay little attention to what they are writing about and more attention to the fact that their husbands work and they stay home. Then I begin to feel sorry for myself and wonder why I have to work and why I am being punished by having to work and how these women lucked out and I didn't and as a result I have to work.

I know these are bad thoughts and I know that my initial response of "stop reading blogs" isn't the best response because I know that I'm just running away from my problems by doing that but I still feel completely saddened and hopeless at the thought of having to work.

I dont want to have any more children because of it. Who wants to spend 9 hours a day at work away from their kids? Why put more kids through that?

birth control in word form

The following ramblings will only make sense to those of you who are parents.

Elleanor won't take a nap. And it drives me bat shit crazy because during the week, at daycare, she apparently takes 1 1/2 hour naps there every day. Now, when we first saw that on her sheet we were like, awesome! And then we said, hey wait a minute, she'll do that Monday - Friday but not on the weekends? And now we're concluding that they lie to us. hahaha... paranoid, right? But for real, she's been up since 6:30 am and it's now almost 4:30 pm and she's refusing to nap. But here's the kicker - she's Fin tired. She's crabby, won't play, wants to be held, is putting her head on my shoulder, chest, legs, wherevershecanrestit because she's tired. So.... what do I do? Hire the lady from her daycare to come to our house every saturday and sunday to put Elle to sleep? For real - how much would it cost? $50? Totally worth it. IMO
But here's the thing - it's driving me nuts. I can't decide if I should scream, cry, drink, run away, lock myself in the closet. I just can't take it. And then I get upset. I am such a horrible mother, I tell myself, because I can't deal with a non sleeping child. I keep telling Bryan that I don't think I can handle any more kids. Not that I don't want more - I want a whole army, but I don't want to be that mom that screams at her kids to SHUT UP or GO PLAY because they are on my last nerve, and as of right now, Elle's on my last nerve, and she's the only kid I got! Bonus points to me though - I haven't screamed at her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that.
Seriously - all you people who aren't pregnant yet - think long and hard about it. Establish a support group (family, friends, husband/wife) and make sure to use them on days like this.
Bryan has finals he's supposed to be studying for and I haven't really let him take the time he needs because I am THISCLOSE to a nervous breakdown.
And now, just a few minutes ago, Bryan walked out of Elle's room Elle free. She's sleeping. And now his day of studying begins, and I feel like a worse mother than I did before. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom - am I not capable of it? I couldn't live with myself if I made the choice to send my kids to daycare because I can't mentally deal with playing with them all day.

Thanks.

I wanted to ask my family what they were thankful for on Thanksgiving, but I didn't, because we aren't close like that. I also know that none of us would be able to say what we were thankful for without tears. And lots of them. At my baby shower, when my grandma had to say how she knew me, she got about two words in and broke down in tears. I was in tears about 1 1/2 words in so I can't criticize. We just don't share our love, our hurt, our disappointment and our pride.
What I can say though, is these people drive me nuts. NUTS. There is so much love there but also so much hurt. We all hide our hurt and some of us our love, with sarcasm, "surface conversations", and never really talk about what we are really feeling or saying. Our thanksgiving conversation would have went like that: What are you thankful for? Answer: Good food, family, the Packer's winning, etc but nothing that is real. But you know what, I would have been right there, because the surface stuff is so much easier than saying "Even though I loathed you the whole drive because my daughter was screaming in the back seat of the car, I am so thankful that I have a family that would have missed me if I wasn't here. I'm thankful that I was raised to respect my family and our traditions and that the thought of not coming home for a holiday never crosses my mind. I'm thankful that through all the craziness in my life, the love of my family has been the one constant, and that, although at times, ok.... more often than not, they drive me nuts, I'd be lost without them."

What are you thankful for? I mean really thankful for?

For me, besides the fam, I'm thankful that I've been blessed with the ability to self analyze. I spend a large portion of my day thinking of things I said/did earlier in the day and challenge myself to do better the next day. I set goals for myself, i.e. I feel like every conversation I have with one of my co-workers revolves around me complaining about something, anything really, so my goal is to stop the complaining. To ask her more about her life (even though she always goes into WAAAAY more detail than necessary) and to take a more positive approach when sharing with her my life.

I'm thankful for my husband who challenges me daily. Weather it's my lack of ability to maintain a clean house, my lack of respect for his personal space (listen, law school requires more study time than I'd like and I misssss him!) or simply letting me process the day and talk through some of my struggles, he's constantly challenges me to become a better person, wife, mom, daughter, and friend. And not in a crazy controlling way, but in a loving and very understanding way, a way in which he doesn't have to say much, just understand that I'm growing and learning and adjusting and loving me through it all.

And lastly, I am thankful for the blessing of life given to me not only through my own personal health, but through this 25 lb pistol of a 13 month old I call Elleanor. This chic will wear a sister out. But you know what, the ability to run around with her, laugh with her, cry often times out of shear frustration/exhaustion (depending on the day), beam with pride when she accomplishes something momentous or just sit with her and read a book is probably the greatest gift I've ever been given. Besides the Nintendo I got when I was little, but come on, Mario Brothersssssss!!!!!

Pet Peeve

Here's a pet peeve of mine, Ugg boots. And no, I'm not going to rant on and on about how I hate them because I don't. I love them. I have 3 pair and love all three. I hate it when people hate on them. Do I wear them to work with my dress pants, uhhh no! Do I wear them to the mall on a Saturday when it's snowy, heck yes! They are an intricate part of my winter wardrobe, always worn appropriately, (with leggings, sweats, skinny jeans, etc). I know I could step it up a bit, but really, why? Uggs are just fine. So please stop hating on them. Thank you.

Layout

I think the layout of this blog is pretty crappy, right?

It's hard to read, isn't it?

I'll change it...

Does anyone else feel this way?

So there a days/moments during the day where I feel like I could set the world on fire. I get really motivated to find a better job, create my own job, decorate my house really cool, clean and organize my house, the list goes on and on, and then all of a sudden it stops. "Reality" sets in and I begin to tell myself that "there's no way you can start your own business... no wonder you didn't get a school counselor job, you have nothing to offer.... why clean your house, you have a one year old who will tear it up.... your life is too transient, it doesn't pay to do any of the things you want to do because who knows where you will be living next year at this time, etc etc etc.

All very negative, but yet realistic thoughts.

We don't know where we will be living next year, Bryan graduates in May and we may (haha) move, chances are we'll move either back to Wisconsin or to Illinois. Either way, it's not here, so why decorate if we are moving? Why organize? Why look for a new job? Why do anything?

So what do I do?

Bieber

Am I too old to want to go see Justin Bieber in concert?

What if I bring my step-daughter, then would it seem more like it's her really wanting to see him and I *had* to come along to chaperone?

If that's the case, I'll have to make sure I remember not to sing along to every song. That'd blow my cover.